Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Musician jokes…know any goodies?

An old favorite of mine…cause it’s so true.

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, I’m usually up practicing my (insert your instrument here) ‘til about that time most every night anyway."

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

An old joke about the awful, middle of the road crooner Daniel O’Donnell, but fit your own pet hate into the formula.

The IRA captured Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher and Daniel O’Donnell, but they only had two bullets. So they shot Daniel O’Donnell twice just to make sure.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Whats the difference between -
A bodhran player and a Radox bath - one bucks up your feet
A viola player and a seamstress - one tucks up frills
A bodhran and an onion - you don’t cry when you stick a knife in an onion

Some sessions have passengers - mine has hijackers

(This is not a joke - it’s true)
Punter - Do you do requests?
Session man - Yes, what do you want?
Punter - Oh, anything will do

Re: Best low whistle joke on different thread

This was on a nearby low whistle thread but made me laugh so is worth a repeat if you didn’t see it.

According to Conal O’Grada, the low D whistle is best used for making whale noises and hanging curtains.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

A man walks into a pub in Ireland, and asks if he can leave his rather bulky package there for a while. Naturally since no-one knows who this man is, they only reluctantly let him leave it in the bar on condition that he comes back within the hour, security being uppermost in people’s minds nowadays.

Anyway, 6 hours pass and the staff and customers are getting mighty jumpy about the "package" he’s left in the pub. They’re on the point of picking up the package and chucking it out of the window when the man returns, apologizing profusely for having been away longer than expected.

Everyone vents their anger on this poor man, and the barman tells him in no uncertain terms to "Pick up your package and get the f*** out of here with it".

"Now don’t be like that", says the man.

"Well, you had us all worried. What’s in there, anyway?"

So the man says, "It’s 6 pounds of Semtex, a timer and some detonators".

Suddenly the atmosphere gets a lot friendlier. "Thank god for that. Here, stay and have a drink".

The man is puzzled and asks why the change of heart? "Well, we were worried about that package. We thought it might have contained some sort of musical instrument."

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By they’re names…(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: How many bodhran players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A bodhran player.

Q: How do you know if there is a bodhran player at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: Why do bodhran players always have trouble entering a room ?
A: They never know when to come in.

Q: What do fiddle players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

I needed a good laugh this mornin’…thanks all!

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

5 minutes before the concert was supposed to start the violinist and the violist were yelling and screaming at each other. The conductor comes running up and asks what is going on and why they are fighting. The viola play says "I can’t play. The violinist turned my pegs and I can’t tell which one!"

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Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

What did the blues singer have on his gravestone?

"Didn’t wake up this morning"

Might as well lower the tone:

"Doctor, can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly, madam, where do you think accordian players come from?"

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: How can you tell if a violin player is playing out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Finally, one against harpists as I am one:

Q: How long does it take to tune a harp?
A: No one knows…

OK, OK:

Q: Is it true that violas are just like violins, only bigger?
A: No, it’s an optical illusion caused by the Viola players’ heads being smaller

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Those last three kill me, Mark!

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Two Irishmen were seen coming out of a pub…it coulda happened!

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: Why are there eight strings on a mandolin?

A: To increase the odds that one is in tune.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Glad you liked them, Katiebythegate.

My favourite "two irishmen in a pub joke" (not particularly musical, but maybe someone creative could adapt it for a band?) is:

Early one evening an Irishman walked into the bar and ordered a drink. Moments later a second man walked in, sat down and started making conversation.

They got on like a house on fire. The conversation went something like this:

"Beautiful city, Belfast"

"Ah sure, I was born here in Belfast"

"Is that a fact. So was I. Tis a great place is it not? Let’s have another one to toast our dear Belfast"

…a while later…

"I grew up on Ormeau Avenue"

"That’s amazing - so did I! Have another one on me"

…and so it went on, later still…

"Which house was it in Ormeau Avenue?"

"Number 63"

"That’s amazing! That’s where I was born too!!! Let’s have a whiskey"

Just at that point the phone rang behind the bar. It was the manager of the pub down the road, who was asking about business: "How’re things doing? It’s pretty slow in here tonight, not many in"

"Same here", said our barman, "just the O’Reilly twins in again, getting drunk as usual"

Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a viola player?
A: One’s a bottom-crawling scum-sucker, the other’s a fish.

Q: What’s the similarity between a viola solo and a bomb?
A: By the time you hear either of them, it’s too late to do anything about it

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

you had better not bump into me,mr Mark Harmer, lest i embody your surname in your general direction.particularly.
do you think a smiley face should have followed that?

Katie,you can easily find musician jokes on the web,even proper viola jokes and not just the old rehahshed irish/polish/kerry jokes.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

the way i heard the joke, the o’reilly twins were newfoundlanders from st johns, and they were drinking in a toronto bar. interesting how these things change as they move around …

sarah

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bigdave, but then I wouldn’t get to share a laugh with the members here.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Oh? D’you see Classical (viola) Boy laughing over there at all those viola jokes? *grin* Poor Dave. hehe.

zls

By the way, y’know, it’s not that viola players’ heads are smaller. It’s that the violin players’ heads are *bigger.* 🙂

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

don’t waste your sympathy on me,it’s that poor mr Harmer ‘ll be wanting it!
and thanks for giving the proper version of that joke;trust a harpist to make a pigs ear of something that’s really very simple.arf,arf

Katie: you are lost in the jungle and you meet:
1)a good viola player
2)a bad viola player
3)a pink elephant

now,which one do you ask for directions?

well, it’s the bad viola player of course,as the other two are figments of the imagination.

what’s a harpist’s ideal weight?

- about six pounds,including the urn…
that last was a conductor joke really but i could n’t be arsed to make up a harp one.
see what i mean?
i’ll get nack to gnashing my teeth as soon as i’ve got my coat…..

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

(A variation on a joke in a recent thread).
This is a Zen bodhran joke.
A fiddle, whistle and banjo are dropped off a tower. Which hits the ground first?
Answer: Does it matter?

I first heard that one as an orchestral Zen viola joke, the 3 dropped instruments being a double bass, cello and bassoon.

trevor

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q. What’s the difference between a staunch traditionalist and a terrorist?

A. You can negotiate with the terrorist.

—-Michael B.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

good one micheal!

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Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: What’s the difference between a viola* player and a coffin?
A: With a coffin, the corpse is on the outside

*substitute your own least loved instrument here
**I’m safe, the harp dosn’t really have an inside!!

Sorry, that should have read:

A: With a coffin, the corpse is on the inside

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

a little more practice,Mark,don’t you think?
exit,laughter… pursued by a bear

how do you get a viola player to play 32 demi-semiquavers evenly in one bar of 4/4?

write a semi-brieve and put ‘solo’ at the start.

get my drift??

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: Why do pipers walk as they play
A: To get away from the noise!

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

From Dennis Doyle, harpist from California:

The Irish invented the bagpipes and gave them to the Scots… but the Scots never got the joke.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

If I can just expand on that last joke from K Leahy, the fuller version goes, the Irish invented whiskey, kilts and the bagpipes and sent them to Scotland, but the Scots didn’t realise the last two were a joke.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to change the bulb and 9 to sing about how good the old one was.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

I heard that bagpipers walk when they play because it’s harder to hit a moving target.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q. How many bodhran players does it take to roof a house?


A. It depends on how thin you slice ‘em.

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

"There are songs of lovely young women, which we call love songs. And then there are songs of strong drink, which we call love songs."

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Q: what do you do when a musician knocks on your front door?
A: pay him and take the pizza..

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Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

Did you hear about the air that was played each time slower and slower until it finally came to a complete stop?

Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

A banjo and bodhran duo are looking for a gigs without any luck whatsoever. They finally get a meeting with a booking agent. The agent says, " I don’t get a lot of calls for your combination, but I’ve got an opening for New Year’s Eve at an old people’s home that nobody else wants.’

‘Great’, they say.

So they do the gig and are putting the instruments in their cases when the director of the home comes up to them.

‘Thanks so much for coming’, he says, ‘we thought we wouldn’t get anyone. I wonder, could I book you for the same time next year?’

‘Great’, says the duo, ‘mind if we leave the gear here?’

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Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

ha ha, brilliant

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Re: Musician jokes…know any goodies?

An uilleann piper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

The piper wasn’t familiar with the backwoods area, and became lost trying to find the grave. Already an hour late he finally spotted a crew with their picks and shovels taking a lunch break but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologised to the workers for being late and stepped to the side of the open grave and saw the vault lid already in place.

He assured the workers he wouldn’t hold them up for long but he had to carry out the request. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, while the piper played.

And he played so beautifully the workers began to weep. Tune after tune as he stood over the grave.. Going Home.. The Lord is My Shepherd.. Flowers of the Forest, all the funeral tunes, finishing up with Amazing Grace. When he finished there was a silence, and the piper then nodded to the workers, who nodded back respectfully, thanked him, and the piper went to his car and drove away.

When he was gone, one of the workers said to another, ‘Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I’ve never heard the likes before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years..’

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