Flute attacks:
Left shoulder tendonitis, bone spurs.
Pain and numbness down my left arm (radial nerve injury).
Neck injury.
Guitar attacks:
Elbow and lower back pain.
Occassional bloody finger tips (yes, I play hard sometimes).
Banjo attacks:
Persistent ringing in my ears for days after playing.
Flatulence.
My “no whining” rule has been temporarily suspended.
Violin attacks:
sore left wrist
left hand fingers sore
pain in right index finger (must be my atrocious bowing technique)
When a bass attacks, all you have to do is keep it out of the water long enough.
Seriously, though (speaking in my alter ego as a bass player), I can sympathize with the “bloody finger tips” and the ringing in the ears.
Eliot, how many hundreds of times have you heard jokes about calluses on your blisters and/or blisters on your calluses on the tips of your fingers?
Severe depression when the music doesn’t seem to flow. Lacklustere effort at next practice. Indifference after messing up a beautiful tune. Foul language in my thoughts when my wife is in hearing range.
Defense is a stubborn attitude against defeat but it has to be persistent.
when the scottish warpipes attack you have died and gone to hell.
Please do explain how playing the banjo leads to flatulence.
Eliot, as you well know, flatulence in and of itself is not an ailment, but a completely natural function of banjo players. To get into the “injurious” end of the range, much depends (as with mental disorders) on frequency and intensity--the more frequent and/or intense, the more serious the problem. Some would add “duration” or staying power as a factor. Interestingly, however, flatulence may be the only condition for which the total absence is also unhealthy, symptomatic of more serious trouble soon to erupt.
I ask you, what other website could you find fart jokes displayed with such intelligence and literary acumen? None I say, NONE!
WIll, thanks for the education. I honestly believed that my flatulence was tied to my banjo playing, having never farted in my life other than after playing the banjo. Moreover, when I am around other banjo players, well, let’s just say that there are hardly words to describe the sensual overwhelm.
…and my biggest fiddle attack is the forearms. Relaxing while playing is a constant battle.
My accordion has given me a hunchback.
My whistle, in conspiracy with my steering wheel, has knocked out a couple teeth, swollen my lips, gagged me and almost poked out my eye.
Mehitabel23 - when your accordian gives you a hunchback, you must be sure to call him “Igor”.
>My whistle, in conspiracy with my steering wheel, has knocked out a couple teeth, swollen my lips, gagged me and almost poked out my eye.
Surely you’re not meant to play while you’re driving ….
You’d think there would be a law against that, like talking on a mobile phone while driving.
I confess to playing whistle at traffic lights, but I can’t play while the car is moving as I can’t reach the steering wheel with my knees. Not that I would play if I could……
Swedish nose-flute attacks:
Extreme head-rushes
Loss of breath
Snot
Shakey egg attacks:
Wrist pain
Aching shoulder
Constant danger from angry shakey hens
Kazoo attacks:
Sore throat
Starting to think there is a wasp inside your head after days of playing
Being swarmed by lusty male wasps
Bodhrán attacks:
Pain in arm and wrist
Michael Gill
Whistle attacks:
-Chapped lips.
-Dry mouth.
-Loud, persistent ringing in ears, progressive reduction of audible frequencies.
-Carpal tunnel syndrome.
-Stench of sweat-melted brass/nickel.
-Sensitive finger pads.
-Muscle atrophy due to not having to lug a big case around.
-Shortness of breath, lightheadedness. Varies in severity depending on whistle.
-Indirect: Neighbors plotting to kill you.
Stand-up bass attack:
Forgetting you have blisters on your fingers from playing so much and then having one of said blisters pop in your mouth while idly chewing on a finger as you waste time surfing meaningless crap on the internet.
Mmm, salty.
Gross! Tasia, icky!!!
Then again, there’s nothing quite like wiping blood off the strings of your guitar between tunes.
My “fiddle hickey”…the red spot that shows up near the corner of the jawbone after a lot of playing…has become a small lump of possibly permanent scar tissue underneath the skin. It’s like a badge of honor.
Mandolin attack:
shooting pains from left thumb up the arm
sore finger tips and permanent double grooves on same
lump at base of left index finger from resting instrument while fingering
numb right thumb and index finger from pick
sore left calf from not being tall enough to reach the floor while sitting on a chair and straining foot to hit bottom and still hold instrument in lap (maybe I should get a strap…)
I was once attacked by a set of Highland pipes. I managed to escape by distracting him with an octopus in a plaid skirt.
Little red bits from impaling my left fingers on the ends of bass strings on my harp
Fingertips that hurt, on both hands
Cursing when I cut my finger when I know it will make playing painful
Bashing my head (for the 90th time) on the hatchback of my car because it doesn’t always go high enough
Aches from carrying PA speakers
Not being able to hear properly after a gig
Not being able to move out of bed the morning after a gig
Re Whistle, to Feardearg and TheSilverSpear, you have confirmed my worst fears-I stopped playing whistle in the car ( when mobile) just in case of such injuries or worse.
Let’s add lead poisoning to the list-a beautiful little high G whistle, antique,sweet toned, metal mouthpiece, unfortunately sweet tasting as well. OK I didn’t get my blood levels checked, but I am sure there is a lot of lead in whatever alloy has been used.
Oh nearly forgot, Inhaling whatever gastly little arachnid took up residence when not in use for a while,and having a pencil end shoot out another time-minor injuries only.
.
Like Tasia, I know how painful it is to have blisters on my fingers after playing bass (something fishy about that idea) for too many hours but I have never put one of my fingers in my mouth.
Remember, Tasia, if the bass attacks, all you have to do is keep it out of the water long enough to weaken it.
Unlike Eliot, I have never had to wipe blood off the strings of my bass fiddle but I always do try to wipe off the strings after I finish playing my bass.
Bodhran attacks: grievous bodily harm; murder; manslaughter; contract killings; deadlegging; covering of saliva; non-accidental directional beer spillage; necklacing; back problems caused by the need to search extensively and fruitlessly under pub tables for beater on return from toilet.
Harmonica attack: inhalation direct into lungs of two-week-old food fragments. Moustache hairs violently ripped out resulting in eye-watering rage.
Novice melodeon attack: severe breathing difficulty caused by breathing in involuntarily on every draw note and out on every press note.
Piano accordion attacks: sore back, left side of brain ceasing to function, possible alienation from society.
Mandolin attacks: left hand permanently curled up, double grooves in ends of fingers.
5-string banjo attack: severe abrasions to knees and busted fingernails, resulting from frequent scramblings in skips to rescue instrument.
viola causes hunchbacks as well. also called Igor, of course.
Hammered Dulcimer: Painful bleeding fingertips from getting stabbed by wire when restringing (thankfully not a common occurrence).
Metal-Strung Lapharp: See above.
Also: Sore throat from yelling at cab drivers who want to charge extra for taking the above instruments.
My fingering arm (left) has recently given me problems with lateral extension, although it never bothers me when I’m fiddling (retrative position). The mandolin, however, has given me severe lower back problems because I tend to hunch over it. My fretting fingers (from fiddle. mando & guitar)
are basically flat, rutted and heavily calloused to the point where I have to sand them smooth before fiddling lest I cause an expensive string to break its winding prematurely. Such is life. Selah.