Stupid things people say

What comments do people come out with which really get your goat? You know, those ones which people think are searingly “original”. For example, as a harp player, I really hate that “I took my harp to a party…” remark that I can almost guarantee someone will come out with, usually while they’re hyperventilating with mirth at their spectacularly dim-wittedness.

I was inspired to start this discussion after reading earlier about the tw@t-brained comments someone made about bagpipes. So do you endure this particular brand of dick-headed comment?

In my case, out of every few dozen comments when I appear with my harp, I sometimes get a genuinely original one (my favourite: “The Guinness rep has just arrived”).

So what ones do you really hate about your chosen instrument, and what have you heard that’s made you laugh?

…*spectacular* dim-wittedness. Jeez…it’s early…

“What comments do people come out with which really get your goat?”

“How much is your goat?”

(Sorry, I think I’ve overdosed on old British comedy shows)

I don’t know the “I took my harp to a party” one.

I suppose the unfortunate parts with it to a harpy, or something.

I think we should be told…

I don’t know- but it sure looks as if it’s going to be a stupid thread…

FOOLISH QUESTIONS
(A. Baldwin Sloane / William Lee)

Now you’ve all heard foolish questions and no doubt you’ve wondered why
Some person will ask a foolish question and expect a sensible reply
Like when you take your girl some candy, say maybe just after tea
You notice how she’ll grab it and then she’ll say, “Is this for me?”

Foolish Questions! You can answer when you can
"No I bought this candy for your Ma or Pa, or for John the hired hand
“I just thought you’d like to see it. Now I’m gonna take it away”
Now wasn’t that a foolish question? You’ll hear `em ev’ry day

And then most every morning, there is someone `round the place
Who sees you take the shaving brush and lather up your face
And as you give the razor a preliminary wave
This fool will walk up and ask you, “Are you gonna take a shave?”

Foolish questions! Your answer is, I hope
"No! I ain’t prepared for shavin’, I just like the taste of soap!
I kinda like to take the shaving brush and paint myself this way"
Now wasn’t that a foolish question? You’ll hear `em ev’ry day!

Now then there’s this fella who meets you on your way
And asks you why your all dressed up and listens while you say
That you just been returning from the funeral of poor old Uncle Ned
As soon as you have told him, he will say, “Is Ned dead?”

Foolish questions! You might as well reply
"No, he thought he’d have the funeral now. Then later on he’d die
You know Ned was always so original, he wanted it that way"
Now wasn’t that a Foolish Question? You’ll hear `em ev’ry day!

That was a Foolish Question! You’ll hear `em ev’ry day!

Hi Nicholas, I don’t know it either…which makes it even more annoying!! It must be a song or poem, probably from about a million years ago.

I don’t have a goat, but did have one named after me, which was some sort of honour…I think!

And I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of the foolish question, cocus, usually when my wife drops something on the floor. I’ll always ask her “Did you mean to do that?”. I can see now, how annoying that must be. Mea maxima culpa!

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/g/gracie+fields/i+took+my+harp+to+a+party_20317904.html

’Cello and double bass players need a lot of patience for “how do you get that under your chin” and variants.

“How do you play that?”

“Is it hard to play?”

“How long did it take you to learn to play?”

“Can you play anything by The Prodigy?” (a question I was asked on more than one occasion while busking in Latvia, about 10 years ago. I play the mandolin.)

Mark -

If you’re a harper, and someone says “Did you take your harp to a party, and no-one has asked you to play” indeed it must be vexing for you.

Sadly, the world is full of such people, so there’s little point in harping on about it …

Oops! Sorry 😉

“Are you playing together long?”

“Play the fields of Athenry”

“You get loads of free pints don’t you!”

“Oh I love Irish music, it’s great. Sharon Shannon, Sinéad O’Connor and Enya - it’s got such great soul, it’s great craic”.

“Irish music - sure it all sounds the same.”

“What’s the name of that song?” [after a rip-roaring 10 minute set of reels]

“Do you practice here every week?”

Overheard:

“Before the end I am going ot ask the guy what that is for” (referring to the bodhran)

Question from a punter (at a session)

“Does this band play hre every week?”

“Before the end I am going ot ask the guy what that is for” (referring to the bodhran)"

A. To carry the drinks.

the bodhran is for carrying the drinks - if only….

https://thesession.org/discussions/7966

If you are a tenor banjo player, never mention to a non-traddy that you happen to play in a band. If you do, the ensuing dialogue will always go something like this:

Punter: “What do you play, then?”

You: “I could tell you, but it’s very unlikely that you would know anything about this particular instrument”

Punter: “I’m sure I will”.

You: “OK, if you insist - I play a tenor banjo.”

Punter: “Is that like a banjo they they have in bluegrass (or country and western), only bigger?”

You: “No. A tenor banjo uses a completely different system of tuning. It has four strings, tuned in fifths to faciliate rapid melody playing. The same as a violin, only an octave lower. Now that I’ve explained it, do you understand what a tenor banjo is now?”

Punter: “Er … no … not really….”

Here’s one I get every week:
Do you want another pint?
Ha!

Can you play that tune that goes up at the start?

Your accordion just sounds like a real one.

Punter: Do you do requests?
Band: Yes, what do you want?
Punter: Oh, anything will do.

People always this in the middle of a set:
Q. They’re the ooleyan pipes aren’t they!
A. It’s pronounced illen.
Q. Pardon?
A. Illen.
Q. How do you spell it?
A. Uilleann.
Q. Willeyan?
A. Illen.
Q. Jeez. What does that mean?
A.. It’s about elbows. See…?
Q. …How do you keep the bag full? Ah, right. You press that, and oh yeah, it goes through that pipe there and blows up that bag. Hey, it’s a bit like a fire bellows isn’t it?
Can you walk around with them?
A.Yes, but not while you’re playing really.
Q. So you can only sit down while you’re playing…why would they want to do that then?
etc, etc, etc.

Q. Why are you playing?
A. I think I’ll just sit this one out.

Q. Why aren’t you playing?
A. Oh, any number of reasons.

I was once asked what instrument I played, I said, “I play mandolin and a little guitar.”
They responded, “I thought a mandolin was a little guitar.”

Picking up a whistle:
Q. Is this your’s…can I have a go.
A. Sure…I’ve been pretty crook though…but you should be ok, go ahead.
Q. Oh, it’s ok. thanks.

Replaces whistle without playing sits back in chair and listens.

Guy elbows his way into a session in Miltown and stuns the well-known local players and punters with his mastery of the tunes on a Thai folk instrument, the Khan. Everyone is speechless except one kid from Detroit.

Kid from Detroit: “Wow, what the heck kind of instrument is that? I’ve never seen anything like it in my life?”

Khan player: “It’s a folk instrument from Thailand called a Khan.”

Kid from Detroit: “You’re amazing on that thing! How did you learn to play it?”

Khan player: “I was over in Thailand and I had one made in Concert D to see if I could play Irish tunes on it. I’ve been playing it about four years.”

Kid from Detroit: “So you just put your mouth on that thing there, and suck and blow on it like a giant harmonica, is that it?”

Khan player: “Yeah, basically, and then you use your fingers to make the ornaments, which is the most difficult part.”

Kid from Detroit: “Incredible. Can I play it?”

Khan player: “Sure, but you’ll need to get your own.”

I hate it when I sit down with the pipes and some fool says “hey, cool, bagpipes, can you tune those?” Idiot, of course I can’t tune ’em, they’re uilleann pipes!



OK, I kid. But I’m a piper so it’s OK. At least I’m not playing the box. 😉

Q. What’s that the guy over there is playing?
A. A box.
Q. Oh, right.

Q. Do you mind if I buy you a drink?

“Is that a violin or a machine gun in the case?”

Dorks. They obviously don’t know the difference between a machine gun, a submachine gun and a machine pistol.

The khan player is a mate of mine. That is a cool instrument. Sounds brilliant with the pipes.

Anyway….

Q: How are those different from normal pipes?

Q: How do you fill up the bag with air?


Q: Are they hard to play?
A: Er…I guess.

Q: Are you Irish?
A: No.
Q: Then why do you play Irish pipes?
A: Brain damage.

Q: Why aren’t you playing?
A: I don’t know this tune.
*blank look*

“what IS that thing?”
“A bouzouki”
“A bazooka?”
“No, a bouzouki, although this one is 5 courses, so some might call it a cittern, but the scale length is too long to be a cittern”
“A cistern? It doesn’t look like it would hold water to me!”

Wife: “Are you playing that accordion now ”(Angry)? “I’ve just put our daughter to bed in the next room”

Me: (After just playing 2 loud and fast reels) “Er no not really”

Do you play by ear?
No! My ears are to pointed so I dulled my finger tips instead.

“Do you mind if I buy you a drink?” “No, I don’t mind” (said the man with no brain)

As for mandolins and guitars, I have heard the following two jokes too often:
A mandolin is a guitar which got left out in the rain and shrank.
OR
A mandolin is a guitar after taxes.

Mix, at least it was a tenor banjo instead of a fiver banjo. Also, you do need to quit “harping” about this before Mark is tempted to “Harmer” you.

Continuo, perhaps it was Irish Muzak instead of Irish music.

TomB-R, speaking as a double bass player, I get more teasing about playing a “fishy” instrument than questions about how I fit my instrument under my chin. Now if they would ask me how I put my instrument under my cheek, I could reply that I try not to sit on my double bass because that would damage it.

Rev’s Story reminded me of difficult times in London . I was teaching Set Dancing in the 80’s when the husband of one of my pupils was caught with an amount of semtex.
In the next two weeks all of the class was stopped ‘at random ‘. Now I also have a degree in Chemistry I would have questioned me if I was the police with these sort of connections.
So when I was stopped and the officer asked what I had in the case I thought of saying it’s a Bouzouki but knowing the reaction could have been the same as Rev got above, I replied “would you like to look? Officer”
I made it home and not a trip to ‘a West London police station’. Thank goodness.

“I’ve got a recording of such and such a tune. Does anyone have the sheet music?”

“Guy elbows his way into a session in Miltown and stuns the well-known local players and punters with his mastery of the tunes on a Thai folk instrument, the Khan.”

If he’s the same khaen player I know (astonishingly, I did find a video on YouTube of someone else playing Irish tunes on a khaen, but not nearly to the same standard), then he’s not the type to ‘elbow’ his way into a session - He’d more likely be invited, as he’s a well known regular in Milltown. Just thought I’d rise to his defence.

“That’s a banjo, right?”

“No, it’s a mandolin.”

“A mandarin? Is that a Chinese instrument?”

Thank you ragaman, I will tell some friends who play mandolin about that question and the answer.

This khaen (khene?) thing is amazing. Is this the guy you’re talking about?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMgw9xI-OcY

play video

Met that guy in Miltown a couple years back. He’s a great guy! I was camping “next door” to him, and we had some nice tunes out on the grass in front of the tents one day. He also rescued me when the weather turned sour. I’d say he’s living proof that it’s not the instrument you play, but how you play it that’s important. I’d far rather play a few tunes with him than a lot of the “traditional” players I’ve met.

Mark, et al, Happy New Year from Down in the Arkansas -
With my Harp - I always get, “Gee, is that the kind of Harp - you know, that David played, in the BIBLE ?”

I usually just smile and adjust my tip jar and then say something like “Oh, I’m not sure he had as many strings, on his …” Sometimes they put some money in the jar, too !

This one made me laugh.
Pre-session. Me at table. Flute still in box in front of me.
Punter: “Jeezus man, that’s a big set of darts you’ve got there!”

(In case of doubt, punter was joking, not stupid.)

I don’t know what experts think David’s instrument was like, but the Sea of Galilee is called “Kinneret” in Hebrew, which means “harp” - and it’s not too far-fetched to see its outline on a map as being rather like a frame-harp.

Not music-related, but I like this one; I gather it’s true:

The pilot of a small plane was flying passengers to one of the Hebridean islands, or at any rate this girl. He was showing off features of the world around and below them, and made the off-the-cuff remark - “By the way, Iona Cathedral…” (Yes, I know it’s an abbey, but that’s how the story went…)

“Do you *really*?!”, asked the girl, “I didn’t think pilots were rich enough to own cathedrals…”

“What’s that?”

“A melodeon”

“What sort of a thing is that, then?”

“It’s a small button-accordion and you play it like you would play a harmonica…” (Quick play of buttons in-and-out up and down one of the rows)

“Very nice - is it a concertina?”

“No, they are the foul black wrinkly things - it’s a melodeon.”

“Who plays that, then?”

“Probably no-one you’ve heard of, it’s not a very well-known instrument.”

(Fifty years into the English folk revival, Morris dancers everywhere, and *no*-one in England knows what a melodeon is, except folkies. More people speak fluent Klingon, I imagine.)

“A month ago I saw Chris Parkinson, Tony Hall, John Kirkpatrick and Andy Cutting playing those at a concert, and you’d better be good tonight, as I’ll be comparing you to them all the time…”

(N.B. - This has not happened, *yet*…)

“Do you have to breathe in and out to make it go in and out?”

“No.”

“Do you blow into it?”

“No.”

“I’ve got an old one in my attic.”

“Oh?”

(Don’t want to get started on this one…)

“It’s just like that one you’re playing.”

“If it’s old, it can’t be.”

“It’s an accordion just like yours, you said yours was an accordion…”

“Has it got keys or buttons?”

“Keys, just like yours, I said…”

“These aren’t keys: they’re buttons.”

“As I was saying, mine has *keys*!…”


And so on: largely made up, but not so very unlikely…

I live threads like these!

I had a young lady try to interview me on the tin whistle…as I was playing it.

To the banjo player: Can you play “Far Away?”
To the fiddler: What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

There’s something specially endearing about the village idiot who parks themselves next to you and expects you to answer questions while you’re playing the flute or whistle - during a formal performance. It takes you back to simpler times, when there was no shame in standing up and saying to the world, “I have the IQ of a wheel barrow.”

Once we were doing a sound check, and the sound guy said, “What’s a mandolin?” Dumb as a sack of hammers.

There ar no stupid questions.



…..just people.

Or as Bill Engvall says: Here’s Your Sign! 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw-HN900nuw&feature=related

play video

A few weeks ago a reasonably sober punter at our Tuesday English session asked if we had a CD. I still can’t work out whether we really sounded that great or whether he had cloth ears.
But I suppose 4 or 5 box players, a cracking good guitarist and a couple of fiddle players who all know and play the music well can make an impressive noise in the right acoustic.

My upstairs neighbor: I heard you play the flute the other day. Sounded really good.
Me: That wasn’t a flute, that was a concertina.
Neighbor: Oh, there’s a difference?

Maybe it was a compliment.
;)

Is that in E dorian or E minor?

A: I don’t care
B: I don’t know
C: Don’t ask
D: I’m trying to play, go away

(full marks for ‘A’; half credit for ‘D’)

Stupid man: Can you play Elvis on that violin young man?

Me: No, I play and I’m playing trad

Stupid man: Ha yeah, I guess Elvis’ music is before your time

Me: No

Occasionally I take the banjo out to a session or whatever.
All together now…

do you know Duelling Banjos?

Rather well spoken man to my partner, a real grumpy sod of a banjo player, one night in a pub..
Excuse me but is that instrument a banjo or a ukulele?
Grumpy sod of a banjo player "No….it’s efffin bagpipes?
Me, laughingly……trying to ease the situation "It’s a banjo…I know that because he can’t play the bagpipes….
Well spoken man to banjo player. "Well whatever it is you’re playing…how would you like it shoved up your arse, you ignorant bastard?
Banjo player….spluttering, but mostly speechless.
Me…delighted.

Me walking about at the Highland Games, fiddle case in hand:

Group of gentlemen:“Is that a fiddle?”

Me: “Yessir.”

Them: “Ooh - That’s the DEVIL’s instrument!”

Me: “So what would you call the pipes?”

Them: “That’s a MAN’S instrument.”

Me: “I don’t wear a dress when I play mine.”

(Cut to me running for my life ahead of a brace of kilted highlanders)

this isn’t really a question, but….

punter to me (at session): “you could get lottery money for doing that”

guitar backer : what key was the start of that last tune in?

fiddle player : who cares?


Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Haitian proverb

forum member:
what’s on TG4?

"Occasionally I take the banjo out to a session or whatever.
All together now…

do you know Duelling Banjos?"

A: Sure. Now drop your pants, bend over and squeal like a pig

The Kesh, Dingle Regatta, Gilligan’s Island. 😉 . . .
Guinness™ bodhran, ukelele, kalimba, shakey egg 😎 . . .

😏 Oops! 😲 I thought it said stupid things people play. 😀

“Stupid things people play” is another discussion thread, Random_notes.

why is your violin so big?
its not a violin but a 5string viola.
is it unusual to have 5 strings?
yes.
at the session: Do you play any tunes at all on that viola of yours?

another one in Europe:
oh you play folk music. that’s like gipsy music, isn’t it?

“Can you play ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’?”

Since I am a piano player, on rare occasions I am asked if I can the theme music from the movie “The Sting” by Marvin Hamlisch.
Fortunately, they are rare occasions because that piece of ragtime piano music is actually titled “The Entertainer” and it was composed by Scott Joplin and first published in 1902.

SWFL, I know you have a good comeback.
I’m just not a funny guy. But there must be some hilarious responses to these questions. The stupid thing is just redundant. How about a witty follow through or 2 ?

Why would the Devil want to go to Georgia? The weather is too hot and humid in Georgia during the summer.

“It’s a great gift to play music” !!!
Yeh I got it for Christmas when I was 7 - mind you I’d to work Fu**in’ hard to keep it, for 12 - 15 hrs ++ a week for the last 46 years + many many full days reheassal befor concerts and tours.
Though mentally I’m thinking - Bend over Ya twit - I’ve a bodhran bata (stick) here. Finally I can put it to good use.

“ Can you play that one by the Dubliners” ??
NO they won’t play any of mine.

Play something old and nice - some ejit comes up to say “that’s by ….. ” and walks off. WHAT’S the point???

My mother was sometimes asked “How do you stick it ?? Listenting to beginners all these years making the same mistake. ”
Her answer was one of my fav.quips. - “you can always learn from somebody - even if it’s how NOT to do something”

Peter - Excellent comment re: ’the gift."

for some bizarre reason i was recently heckled by a schoolmate with that old monty python thing
“I wonder where that fish has gone…and it went wherever i did go!!!”

Some of the many things my mandolin has been called:
8-string Banjo
Little guitar
Ukelele
Buzouki
“That guitar yoke in ur hand”,
etc….

An unfair stereotype:
Q.What trad instrument do you play?
A.-Tenor banjo
Q.OOOhhh… play duelling banjo’s
A.-That’s not possible. It’s played on a five-string banjo with finger-plecks. I play a tenor banjo. It has four strings and I use one pleck.
Q. So why can’t you play it?