Tune Purity Screening Device

Tune Purity Screening Device

Dow, you once told me that you had heard Smeceno Horo played at a session up your way (or was it at the National Folk Festival). If this was true, how have you programmed the device to let this quality horo through, yet it draws a line at the Flowers of Edinburgh? I had to disable our machine down here to get some Balkan tunes played. The trick is in what you drink. Those machines may be beer-proof, but you can still achieve much with a glass of good Guinness!

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I’ve heard you can fool it if you play the tune on the shakey egg.

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I just received spam in my email that said I could get two state-of-the-art TPSD units for $19.95 from RONCO that you can set yourself. The “Craic 90” comes in four different colors with professional LDS tune-impurity display. Also, it has an added alert that will detect public performances. Shaky-egg and spoons included if you respond today, free delivery, $15.00 S&H 6-8 weeks. Plus, for $30.00 a lifetime warranty on all moving parts. It says it has a bullet-proof, un-breakable gun-casing exterior with shock-mounting.

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Great. First came flute porn, and now there’s purity spam.

Must say, though, I could do with one of these gadgets - anyone got any pictures of it: I mean, is it a hand held device or wall-mounted kinda contraption? And can you set it to stun buskers and noodlers?

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How does this device approach a tune or set if an instrument of the “non-trad” variety is played for a tune’s purity, such as the much abused English concertina? Wouldn’t it by it’s very nature give the red light, sirens blaring etc. for a “pure” tune but played on an “impure” instrument?? Or is that only on the US TPSD? (Just to muddy the waters a bit)

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I’ve never had a TPSD, but I imagine anything played on English-system concertinas would register as morris dance music. Or maybe there’s a read-out for when the music isn’t bouncy enough.

NOTE: (in-joke disclaimer) This post includes in-joke material of a humorous nature about the rivalry between English and Anglo system concertina players and isn’t intended to be taken seriously.

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*splorf*

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I think we should have more Morris tunes integrated seamlessly into the ITM tradition. Especially the ones played on the Nonanglo- Dow concertina.

Jim

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Hahahahahaha!!!

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Hmmm… can morris tunes really be integrated into ITM? I Dow-tit.

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Phew, lots of questions here folks. I’ll start from the top. First of all, Neil, that time I was at the National in Canberra was 2 years ago, before we’d bought the TPSD. But even though we have one now, we don’t bother taking it to the National because there’s so much impurity there that the alarm would be going off all the time and it would just get irritating. I mean, there’s morris groups, all sorts of world music, strange instruments from exotic places, you name it.

I’ve just tried Smeceno Horo with the TPSD and the alarm went off with a flashing warning on the LCD that said “TUNE: Smeceno Horo; rec. Planxty ”ATB“; WARNING: Bulgarian tunes cause damage to TPSD hardware”. So it seems that being recorded by someone famous isn’t enough for a tune to achieve purity. It’s strange isn’t it? If I play my Bulgarian and Macedonian tunes I’ll just have to keep it switched off.

DebWah, of course the TPSD is sensitive to timbre. This means that it can tell whether a tune is being played e.g. on a whistle or recorder. The recorder will get a red light for the same tune played at the same speed and using exactly the same rhythm. I can’t use my English Concertina for playing tunes into the TPSD because I just get the same rude message each time, scrolling across the LCD: “SPECIAL WARNING: Is that an English Concertina I hear!? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?! *sneer* If you want to play pure trad as opposed to morris get an Anglo. You can’t get the necessary bounce on that English”.

I got bored with the stupid machine after a while and stopped trying. That’s why I don’t play my EC in sessions. The TPSD would just churn out the same boring old message.

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PS Jack the “Craic 90” thing’s a scam. I checked it out. There’s no way you could get them that cheap anywhere. You can’t even buy the things in Australia or even online. You have to go to Ireland to buy them, and like I said, they’re equivalent of about $900 Australian, although the prices may come down in the future. Ours has shock absorbers but, sorry Jack, I just find it a bit hard to believe that they make them bullet proof. Or are you just winding us up?

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I searched with Google and came up with nothing.. also Ebay. So where do you get these things? If anyone has a link I’d really appreciate it. Thx

I can’t afford a new one, and don’t want a cheap one or a copy. Maybe someone has a used one for sale somewhere? Ah, naw, doubt it, once you got used to it you’d have a hard time doing without. Oh well,It’s kinda the same with all our techy stuff…

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Dow, it’s true - there’s even a little medal of St Barbara (patron saint for protection against death by artillery) rivetted to the underside of the case. 😀

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Q, I forgot to answer your question. I really think you should get one if you want to achieve purity. I myself am beyond help now, as my machine keeps telling me. If you set them going during a session, they can pick out which direction any noodling is coming from and tell you the offender’s name and calculate a %ge time for their offence. The names are known only if you take the time to scan each person’s tune I/D card and check their registration with the Association of Purity in Trad before the session. I heard that some models do have a stun gun, but they’re illegal over here so you’re not allowed to bring them into the country.

As for the situation with buskers, I don’t think a stun gun would work on them because it’s not a session situation. You could sample them though, I suppose, and show them their warning message if they get a red light. I would be inclined to leave offenders outside sessions for the tune police to deal with.

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BTW Q, if you’re interested in buying a TPSD with real bullets, they are available. Apparently they’re selling well in the US. I’m not sure but I think Will Harmon uses one at his session. Drop him a line on the e-mail…

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Lawks. Would I have to become a member of the National Trifle Association?

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um…do those kind it find their target with a honing mechanism, like a missle, zeroing in on heat? If you put on deodorant then, does that help divert the bullets? How about if you play an impure tune but you do it sO COOL, so HEY MAN NO SWEAT, then can the tspd pick it up?

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I don’t know how it works. All I know is that it can tell who’s noodling by analysing where the sound’s coming from. I doubt it would just fire blindly at the offender because sound can bounce off things and echo and stuff. I think maybe someone registered with the APT would have to pick it up and actually aim it at the offender. Or maybe you have to ask the tune police to do it. I dunno, ask Will cuz I think he’s got one, and has had plenty opportunities to use it in the past.

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Dow, I just copied and pasted your entry about the Craic 90™ being a scam, into a form on their website and it rejected the whole thing… something about only reading actual writing and not accepting public performances of writing. I re-submitted it in my own words and I got a reply back that explained how the Craic 90™ model isn’t available in Australia on account of the predominance of English-system concertina players there. Evidentially if you’re an Auzzie you can’t even access any information about it.

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Well, you wasted your money on an anglo, go waste even more on an el-cheapo Craic 90 then.

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Geeesh Dow… look who’s whining now.

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Dow, is there a patent number on the TPSD casing, or is it obscured by the St Barabara medallion? Just wondering if Microsoft will get them for DRM infringement 🙂
Trevor

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All joking aside, guys, this device could become a reality - it would have to be linked to a computer with a large database of tunes, timbres, etc….but would we really want it?

Who said yes!?!

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What do you mean, could become? Dow’s got one. He said he did!

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Er… oh. Very funny Dow. Can I have my cheque for 900 Australian dollars back, now, please?

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Ohhh…Q…you mean you’ve been sucked in by another one of Dow’s scams… like the Tuneable Shakey Egg, the Flute Capo, the Self-Tuning Uillean Pipes, the Self-Playing Fiddle….oh, sorry we should have told you before you sent your money off…

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*blush*

Dow, I think you had better send the other cheques back too, please.

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How would you know whether the stun-gun worked on a bodhran/banjo player?

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They forget to play out of tune/time.

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Yes, yes, we do use bullets in our Montana session. Mostly small caliber so’s to keep the ricochets to a minimum. In fact I have a semi-auto .22 rifle swivel mounted under the table. Anyone starts a horo, and bang, it’s over, and we’re back to reels, reels, reels. There’s also a hanging tree just out the door, tho that doesn’t get much use these days, except as a deterrent to river rock players.

Oops…just re-read the posts above and realized Dow meant a TPSD, not guns and bullets. Well, no, we don’t use a TPSD. The Craic 90 we had was too lenient, allowing tunes that were never recorded by Coleman and low whistles to contaminate our session. We’ve found that the human ego is still the best censor….

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This is all very alarming…..

The next thing you know, Michael Moore will start videotaping sessions and doing an expose of “nonpure” playing of trad music. I can imagine what he’d do with the Montana session…

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Na… Micael Moore would probably film his visit to the corporate headquarters and interview the designers and builders of the Craic 90™ TPSD and expose that they have River Dance music playing on the speaker system throughout the offices and plant that all the employees listen to as well as posters of The Pougues and The Afro-Celt Sound System etc. hanging in the employee lounges and such.

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Thanks Will. I knew you guys out in the wild west would have tried out one of those things at some point. See Jack, I told you those Craic 90s were no good. I never thought about the calibre and stuff. I should have realised that if bullets spray into a bodhran player’s head, they’re gonna ricochet bigtime.

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Okay, own up. How do you write TM in superscript like that?

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PS LOL @ what Will said about “reels, reels, reels”. Let me tell ya we had a set of jigs at our session on Sunday, and it was like being reborn, or riding a motorbike at top speed without a crash helmet. I’d almost forgotten my jig pick pattern, even.

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My “jig pick pattern” is that we pick about one set of jigs for every five sets of reels.

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what aboot schottiches?

POLKA POLKA POLKA

an a wee hornpippy if you pleese

an-a March, an-a March, an a March-Marx-March

Nosh, man, (..uh sorry, that means “eat” I mean let’s “Tosh”: as in jump-from-the-stage-into-a-sea-of-upright-people damn what is the name for that/ when you toss your body out into the pit of humanity..Crosh? Nash..

It’s a kind of dance, more modern than the Monkey or the Mash Potato, way more modern than the Twist or Jive, and leaves the poor Jig, Hornpipe,and Schottiche in the dust ……….

.. not to mention Reel

Hey buddies.. doon forgit,, we are talkin’ aboot DANCE music……

does it worry you to think we mostly all sit on our duffs like wallflowers (yikes ,,theres the “flower” word again)

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“Mosh”. And no it doesn’t worry me at all. I’m quite happy just to sit and drink and get fat and maybe play a few tunes. To hell with the getting up and moving thing, unless I need to go to the bar or the loo.

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Will, if you want to avoid detection, I suggest you stop using bullets with your zip code engraved on them. Just a thought. And stop using Harmon’s Harnesses as rope.

Jim

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right! mosh! thx mark

btw is your “Dow” nickname realated to the i think irish collector/transcriber from 1770’s