Musical insults

Musical insults

Inspired by the recent Fiddle Jokes thread …

"Your timing is so bad, it’s not a metronome you need. It’s a feckin calendar."

(to fiddle/piccolo/whistle player) : "You have a tone that could cut glass."

Fan of fiddle player playing a slow air : "Oh Lord, he plays with such feeling!"
Cynic : "Yes, Jeezuz, he’s feeling for the feckin notes while we have to feckin listen."

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"I really like what you’re trying to do there."

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"It must have taken you a long time to learn that tune."

"Is that a Norwegian tune?" (Used for any common session tune, and substitute anything else if it actually is Norwegian).

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"Do you know ‘Over the Hills and Far Away’? I really wish you’d play over the hills and far away."

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Fanny Power, as a political slogan…

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Confession: Years back, before I got into the music, I asked an incredible fiddler if they had classical training….

I’m sorry.

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"The rest of us in the session all pitched in and bought you a tuner."

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"When he overblows on the whistle, bats fly into walls"

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"When’s your birthday? Cuz I’d like to buy you a feckin’ metronome as a present."

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"That was fun. Can we play it again at dance tempo?"

(Works both ways; for tunes started too slow or too fast. Can be meant sincerely or with snark, depending on the personalities involved).

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"…we lived for 3 months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank!"

Ben, I’m sure there’s something musical about this. Acoustics? ;)

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Definition of perfect pitch - lobbing a [ banjo, accordion, bodhran, bagpipes, ukulele, etc] into a skip
from 20 yards

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Lovely bodhran, can I hold it. (Just before the next set of tunes)

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"Six fiddles - and all in tune! How nice."

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There’s the classic didjeridoo one, but I guess everyone has heard that. A friend of mine received a back handed compliment on her fiddle playing to the effect of ‘you really need lessons and I want to be your teacher’.

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Our band had a gig one time where the maestra of the local orchestra was in attendance. She gushed enthusiastically "So much sound and so little technique!" I got so tickled at the back handed compliment that I started snickering, and eventually laughing uncontrollably. She also happened to be the wife of the governor of the state at the time. She was not amused or the bodyguard, but I was in full blown hysterics!

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Alec Finn is alleged to have said to a less-than-stellar guitar player, "So, how long have you been playing the guitar…..roughly?"

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One of the most droll insults I’ve ever overheard regarding a musician: "That man is so arrogant he’s awaiting a vacancy in the Trinity".

🙂

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"So much sound and so little technique!" Oh my, ack.

Hysterical laughing? Absolutely.

(And so sadly went an aspiring a political career.) haha.

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Another Alec Finn story:

"Alec bought his in Greece and told me a funny story about it. He had heard about a good maker and went to his place and started to try some of his instruments just outside the shop on the public square. An older man stopped
to listen to him play, then leaned towards him and said: "You don’t really play this instrument, do you?""

https://listserv.heanet.ie/cgi-bin/wa?A3=ind9704&L=IRTRAD-L&E=0&P=403031&B=—&T=text%2Fplain;%20charset=us-ascii

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It wasn’t intended as an insult (I’m sure) and was quite subtle, but in my first year or so of playing fiddle solo in public for dancers, several people came up and told me they’d enjoyed my playing and they were learning fiddle……..
"…too" was left unsaid!

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"That’s an interesting theory on Irish music you have there. Have you met my friend Llig?"

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"I really liked your interpretation of that slow air on the banjo, could you send me the MIDI?"

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An anxious newcomer to the session strikes up a set of tunes they have prepared diligently, then all the other players around the table all decide to get up and take a break all at once.

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The definition of perfect session pitch. Grab the banjo player’s instrument and lob it so it knocks the bodhran player out.
BTW what is the classic didgeridoo one outwesht? I live in Australia where someone gave me this one. Is this it?
I say I say.
What do you say?
I recently bought a didgeridoo.
I bet your neighbours were pleased.
Nowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow(ad infinitum with circular breathing)

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Didgeridon’t

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I don’t know a piper by that name. I know someone by that name who OWNS a set of pipes…

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"There’s more to the word ‘tune’ than reels and jigs. Ya’ know like, ‘tune in’, and ‘in tune’, and ‘Your intUnation is shite’"

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A well-tuned banjo: oxymoron!

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How do you know there’s a bodhran player at the door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster!

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If you want people stop insulting your banjo and start to really earnestly appreciate it
bring a bodhran along too and start unzipping the bag….

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Impressive, how you can just pick up your instrument like that and play — without having practiced at all.

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Insults come so easily and , I think way too often, and way too hurtful. Any chance we can come up with some equally clever words to praise good playing, maybe ways to encourage each other? Just asking.

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From last week: "your music moved me to tears" - take that how you will!

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Unfortunately true…..

A friend, who for years had backed me on guitar, was in a shop trying a guitar, when a lady asked him: "What instrument do you play?"

An acquaintance decided that, because he couldn’t fathom guitar playing, he would play upright bass. And without further ado (about anything) he began playing with various informal groups, including my monthly busking session during the local art walk night. After about a year of hearing open strings, I happened to be looking at him while playing and wondering how to educate such a person. Suddenly he played a B on the A string, which shocked me enough that I mentioned it afterward, in hopes of encouraging him to more of the same. "Yes," he replied, "I’ve been thinking about that note for a long time."

Recently, a friend told me she had spoken with this bass holder, er player, and he confided that after one session I remarked to him, "You are the most played, least practiced musician I have ever known!"
I told her it was true: he was, and I had said so, and that it was Not a compliment.
She said, "He told me that, too."

vlnplyr

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Who are these people who are immune from lessons???

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"Can you play solo? So low we can’t hear you?" I usually use these kind of things in a self-deprecating way, i.e., "That’s the closest I’ve ever come to playing that tune."