Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

https://people.well.com/user/bryan
I found this link in the "Humour" section on here, which can be found under "Links." Being blind, I typically learn music by ear, so I’d love to know what makes them unplayable? Clicking on one on my phone will display an image but no song, though it’s listed as "unplayable" in the humour section.
Thanks!

Re: Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

I didn’t try listening to the audio files, but I recognize the "John Stump" name for the sheet music like "Faerie’s Aire and Death Wish."

That’s an old but very funny joke piece, not intended for playing. The notes are written in a way that would be impossible to play except on a Midi score into a synth. The main gag is that it includes a multitude of instructions like "Gradually become agitated" or "Add bicycle." And my favorite, "Release the penguins."

Re: Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

Great. Thank you both. Makes much more sense now.

Re: Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

I haven’t tried playing them either but I quite like "If you are a 2nd violinist please do not use a 1st Violin. Use the 2nd violin with which you were issued". I shall now spend the rest of the evening wondering why I quite like it.

Re: Can anyone enlighten me on why these tunes are unplayable?

String Quartet No. 556(b) has a note about halfway through that says "There is no wrong way to play this."

Earlier in the piece, another note says "If you can’t play this, why don’t you call your mommy?"