A few musician jokes…

If you’ve heard’m ignore’m, if not, enjoy 🙂

And oh…none of these jokes reflect my personal opinions…


Q: What is the difference between a dead trombone player and a dead snake in the middle of the road?
A: The snake was on his way to a gig.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What band name on a marquee will always guarantee a crowd?
A: Free Beer

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine, you only have to punch in the information once.

Q: What is the difference between a singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How can you tell if a stage is level?
A: The bass player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A guitar player.

Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out!

Q: Why did God give drummers 10% more brains than horses?
A: So they would not crap during the parade.

Q: What is the difference between a viola and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop a viola.

Q: What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: An orchestra has the horns in the back and the ass in the front.

Thank you for not mentioning a few of my little instrument buddies that always take the brunt of jokes here.

Q: How do you make a banjo player’s car go faster?

A: Remove the pizza delivery sign from the roof.

Q: What’s the definition of the "height of optimism"

A: An accordian player with a beeper

I think these jokes have certainly been doctored.

Q: how can you tell when there’s a ceilidh band at your door?

(everybody, "I don’t know, HOW?")

A: Three knocks and then they all come in together.

Q: What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.

Q: What’s the relative minor?
A: The guitar player’s girlfriend.

KFG

Why is a violin so small?

It’s not - it’s just that the violinist’s head is so big.

Jim Dorans

How do you know the singer’s in jail?

He’s behind a few bars and can’t find the key

A guy goes into a butcher’s shop and sees brains for sale:

Fiddler’s brain’s - $5/lb
Accordionist’s brains - $10/lb
Bodhran player’s brains - $100/lb

The guy says to the butcher " how come the bodhran player’s brains are so expensive?"

The butcher replies "’do you know how many we have to kill to get a pound?"

What”s the difference between a dead badger and a dead bodhran player?

Skid marks in front of the badger.

What do you call a piano keyed accordeon player, a spoons player, a bodhranist and a banjo mandolin player at the bottom of strangford lough?

A good start.

What’s the difference between a dead accordionist in the road and a dead possum in the road?

People feel sorry for the possum.

(From an accordionist friend of mine!)

How is a banjo like a hand grenade?

By the time you hear the noise, it’s too late!

why are they all against Guitarists, Banjo player, Box and Bodhran players????
What’s so bad about these instruments, Guitars pwn fiddles.

Easy targets?

Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
A. They have seat belts and an air bag.

Q:How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A:The knock always slows down.

Q:How long does a harp stay in tune?
A:About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

Thought "harp stayed sharp to the bottom of the glass" : -)

Q:Ever hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

A: It took him two hours to get the drummer out

Q: What did a drummer get on his IQ test?

A: Drool

Ugh somebody had my second one. I musta missed it while tuning my bodhran.

Guitarist is in tears when the fiddle player says "come on, it can’t be that bad". Guitarist says "it’s worse, the Bodhran players’s de-tuned one of my strings". Fiddler says "why don’t you re-tune it?". "I can’t" says the guitarist, "he won’t tell me which string he de-tuned".

Spare us, please…

What do you call a pretty girl on a banjo players arm?


A tattoo. 😉

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?

Tossing a banjo into a skip from 20 yards - and hitting the melodeon

Guy goes into a junk shop and buys a stuffed rat. On the way home he decides it’s actually a bit foul, so he chucks it in the river. To his amazement, suddenly the streets are teeming with rats - all flooding down the hill only to hurl themselves into the water. As the drowning mass floats slowly out of sight a thought strikes him. He runs back to the junk shop.
"Hey! Have you got any banjos?"

Loved the joke about the fiddler consoling the guitarist victim of the bodhran player.

What’s the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who can play the banjo………but doesn’t!

Banjo player: "Doctor I hurt all over my body." Touches his knee "Ow!" Touches his head "Ouch!" Touches his stomach "Yow! - see, everywhere hurts!"
Doctor: "You’re a banjo player aren’t you?"
Banjo player: "How did you know?"
Doctor: "You’ve broken your finger"

How many bodhran players does it take to change a light bulb?
-
-
twenty
-
One holds the bulb and the rest is drinking until the ceiling starts to go round

How many trad musicians does it take to change a light bulb?



None - change is BAD!

Besides, we can play in the dark, anyway 😀

Yawn
More…..
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bah, Humbug, Geoff!

When is a door not a door?

When it’s a christmas pudding!!

Q: Why did the Chieftans cross the road?

A: To Record with the chicken

Q: Why did Danú cross the road?

A: To get to the middle.

Ooh, touché, Stefanpaz!

Here’s one that somebody might be able to cruelly modify to trad, though I can’t think who the victim would be…

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Terence Trent.

Terence Trent who?

That’s showbiz!!

Q What’s the difference between a bodhran and a foot bath?
A One bucks up your feet…

Tombliss it’s a close run thing between yours and Bannermans out of tune guitar effort for the ‘joke of today’!

I can’t quite decide, any help?

Bloke walks into a session in Belfast with a circular cardboard box. Everyone looks nervous. The fiddle player finally asks nervously, "What’s in the box?". The bloke says "It’s a bomb". Everyone relaxs and the fiddle player says "Thank Chr##t, we thought it was a bodhran".

Nell, how about…

Publican Ned says to accordionist Sharon:

Ned: Knock knock
Sharon: Who’s there?
Ned: Seamus Tansey.
Sharon: Seamus Tansey who?

Well YOU are not too sharp!

LOL — okay, THAT was damned funny, Jode…!

Jode: expect an ugly letter from Seamus now.

Q.: How many California Celtic Hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb.
Audience in harmony: Don’t know. How many?
A.: None. They screw in hot tubs. 😉

The first violinist of the local symphony orchestra came home one night to find his house all ablaze. Fire engines with their lights flashing were everywhere and the firefighters were spraying water on the flames. The police chief aproached the violinist and said, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but while you were away, the conductor of the orchestra came to your house and set fire to it." The violinist’s jaw dropped in disbelief. Finally he responded, "You’re kidding! The conductor came to MY house?"

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft.
A: A flat minor (miner? guess it’s an oral joke, but that won’t stop me)

Q: What happens when you look in the mine shaft?
A: C flat minor

Q: What remark do you make when you look?
A: G flat minor

Great jokes, the recurring theme about Bodhran "players" must be a world wide theme……made me laugh.

A guitar player and a bodhran palyer were having lunch together, and the guitarist got out a thermos flask. The bodhran player said; "wow, what’s that?" So the guitarist explained; “It’s a thermos flask, and it’ll keep anything hot and anything cold.” So the bodhran player said “Wow, I’ll have to get one of them” Next day they were having lunch together and the bodhran player produced a shiny new thermos flask. The guitarist said “So you got one then, What’ve you got in it?” and the bodhran palyer said “2 cups of tea and an ice cream.”

Snowyowl: So you have never had an ice tea float?

No mandolin or bouzouki jokes? Sir Mando hisself is standing atop the battlement of his royal castle in shining armor. He poetically bends over. He presents you with a wiggly bare butt.

This is why I always recommend Bodhran players take up some form of Mandoliny thang to counterbalance having the bodhran constantly being targetted. (^: (^:

Why are there never any whistle or fluteplayer jokes?

Q: How many traditional folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to change the bulb and the other two to sing about how great the old bulb was.

There’s at least one whistle player joke:

Q: How do you get two whistle players in tune?
A: Shoot one.

Q: How many guitarists does if take to change a light bulb?
A: One, he just holds the bulb up and the world revovles around him.

A fiddle player called Pat died and went up to heaven. He was delighted to get there, as lots of his favourite musicians he’d always wanted to play music with (Michael Coleman …. etc) had got there before him. So off he went, sessions all day and night and the Guinness was flowing ….

One night late Pat was walking home after the session with St Peter (a mean harp player himself, as you’d expect), when he heard a lone fiddler playing. The sound seemed to be coming from a darkened room, and peering inside he saw a lonely figure in the shadows in the far corner, who obviously by his body language wanted to be left alone. The fiddle playing was unmistakeable - this could only be Fankie Gavin.

Pat turned to St Peter and said ‘I didn’t know that Frankie Gavin was dead! When did he get here?’

St Peter shrugged and said ‘No he’s not dead. That’s not Frankie Gavin’

Pat was incredulous. The playing was unmistakeable. ‘You’re pulling my leg’ He said. ‘I’d know that playing anywhere. And apart from that who else would want to play all alone up here? That’s Frankie Gavin all right’

‘No it’s not’ replied Pete.

‘All right then, who is it?’ asked Pat, unconvinced.

‘It’s God’ replied St Peter. ‘He just thinks he’s Frankie Gavin’

So a tax accountant, a criminal lawyer, and a trad musician all got into a terrible accident and ended up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter said to them, "Welcome! There’s a little game I like to play with all our new arrivals - before I look you up, tell me how much money you made before you passed over and I’ll see if I can guess what you did for a living!"

So one guys starts it off - "I made $39,000 a year". St Peter looks him over a minute and says "I’ve got it: you were a corporate tax accountant!"

Well, they’re all very impressed by this and the next guy decides to give it a go. "I made $335000 a year plus bonuses last year." St-Peter scratches his chin and thinks for a minute, then says "Criminal lawyer to the rich and famous."

They give him a little round of applause, and then the last guy pipes up "I made $1200 a year!"

St. Peter "Really! What instrument did you play?"

Q. What’s the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A. People remove their shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q. How many bass players does it take to remove a lightbulb?
A. 1… 5… 1… 5…

LOL! Good one!

I can’t believe this one wasn’t posted.

What’s the difference between a banjo and a Volkswagen?

You can tune up a Volkswagen in 15 minutes

OR

What’s the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?


Not much

Hey! What do you call a judge that plays the harmonica.

Your Hohner.

The maestro takes the orchestra to the swimming pool and tells them all to jump in the deep end. Horrified the violinist confides to the viola player that he can’t swim. Oh that’s okay, replies the violist, just fake it.